Non reason

Lately I've noticed myself becoming unreasonable.  Not so much with other people, but rather with myself.  Sometimes I err in using much stricter rules when evaluating my own actions.   I wonder if that is because I really know, deep down, that I can do better, or rather if it's just a misguided way to garner sympathy and get ego stroked.  Maybe it's a combo?  I don't know, but I do find it frustrating and a hard habit thing to control.

I know I am forever uncomfortable with my physical package.  I'm automatically cynical of other people who have physical quirks and claim they totally accept their 'beauty'.  Like, they expect me to believe they don't wake up wondering what their lives would look like if they hadn't been so afflicted?  Oh, sure, maybe not everyday but certainly at times.  When you see gorgeous women who are successful and confident, that thought just pops up in your head... if it had only been me.  And at once you feel both jealousy and guilt which when mixed together often translates to anger and backbiting.

They say women are catty. We are.  It comes to us naturally and I think it is because we have been taught from a very early age that beauty is something to strive towards.  As women, we are by nature of our species, needing to be attractive to the male so as to secure a mate. It's simple biology with a dash of chemistry.  Still, it can be frustrating when men are also taught from a very early age, to objectify women, therefore judging the book by its cover.  (NB: I am very much generalizing here.)  The point is, we are a product of our environment.   There is this tribe in Niger, Africa called the Wodaabe who actually switch the whole game around.  Firstly, they are a particularly good looking tribe to begin with, but the Wodaabe men are the ones who are primped and painted to be put on display for the women.  The women stand and watch as the group of men strut and click, showing off their white eyes and teeth (big selling features).  The woman picks the man she wants to take to her bed. Oh, and did I mention that she can sleep with as many men as she wants to... married or not?  No big whoop. I kinda like that these guys get to feel the hot sting of rejection based on how they looked to these women.  A little bit of payback?  Me thinketh so.

rosemarysheel photography     

Nevertheless, the point here is that it's not acceptable regardless of which side of the gender fence you stand on.  We need to strive for a deeper connection and judge accordingly.  I need to learn to accept that maybe, just maybe my value is in the content of my character, and that should be good enough.  Let's just see if I can walk the talk.

Oh, and please pass the Wodaabe...!

First flight & chocolate

I had the privilege and excitement of witnessing one of our baby birds take his first flight yesterday.  I sensed it was close as 2 of the 3 would come right out of the nest and hang out on their deck, spreading their tiny wings and getting the feel of the breeze through their feathers.  I quickly grabbed my li'l binoculars and hunkered down in front of the window to watch the show. Mom would fly in and feed them, then she would turn around and fly a short distance to the fence.  There she would sit and call to them as if she were encouraging them to take that leap of faith.  This process went on for awhile, she alternating between the fence and the tree.  Something she said must of clicked, cause all of a sudden the 1st bird started shakin' his feathers something fierce and he jumped! Took off into the tree where mom was sitting!  I was screaming and cheering for some time afterward.  It was just so cool to watch.  The second bird I missed seeing, but the last bird is still in the nest, hesitant to take that first big step.  I can somewhat understand as #3 was the smallest of the siblings, having been pushed out of the way many a mealtime.  I feel bad as he's all alone, but the mom is faithfully bringing him food and gently coaxing flight out of him.  It'll happen, just don't know when.  He's getting stronger as he's getting all the food, so it shouldn't be long now.  I find myself checking in on him every time I'm around the kitchen.

On a completely random note,  I must ask, what is the deal with women and chocolate??  I'm in the grocery store this afternoon, and I reluctantly head down the snack isle as I was looking for some tortilla chips; no big whoop. I grab some, drop them in my cart and turn around only to see the candy/chocolate isle directly opposite.  The tractor beam was too strong for this cowboy and I  gravitated (naturally) to the big bars of chocolate.  So... many... choices...  As I stood there weighing the pros and cons of milk vs. dark, plain vs. nutty, I hear this soft, 'excuse me' to my rear that snaps me out of my deep concentration.  I immediately apologize for being in this man's way and grab my cart to move for him.  That's when he says, 'no, excuse me' again and I look at him in confusion as I was moving my cart & getting out of his way. It was at that moment he informs me that it wasn't that he needed me to move, but rather that he needed me to get my mitts off his cart!!  I looked down and sure enough, I was in fact hijacking his cart with his purchases. (In my defense, it did look like my cart, both having our enviro bags stuffed in the front!)  Apologizing profusely (as only good Canadians can) I couldn't help but laugh and blame it on the chocolate.  The great thing is, he got it too, so hilarity was had by all. Still, the facts remain:  chocolate makes women do crazy stuff... but lack thereof makes us even crazier.  One should always have an emergency stash at home.

Chocolate... think of it as a love song for your crave on.

Aug. 31st post script:  Baby 3 has left the building...  fly sweet, little one.

10,000 hours

I read the most fascinating book this summer titled 'Outliers: The story of Success' by Canadian author, (eh!) Malcolm Gladwell.  It's not normally the type of book I would choose to read, but I had got it for Gord to read while we were traveling and he loved it so much he talked be into reading it.  It is one of those books that may take you a few pages to kinda get into it, but once you're in, you're hooked.  I think I read it in 2 days.

What this book explores is the phenomenon of super successful people that we strive to emulate and how much of their success is fated, by chance or hard earned.  One of the points he makes is the importance of birthmonths that seem to line some people up for extra nurturing... especially those in the elite sports arena. The other important point (and I think the most important one) is that these apparent 'over night success' stories have logged in over 10,000 hours honing their craft.  He uses the examples of the Beatles, who played 8 hour sets 6 days a week in Hamburg before they made any impression in Britain, and a young Bill Gates, who just happened to have access to a computer and lab time that was in those days a rare occurrence, so he too was able to log copious amounts of programing hours en route to perfecting his particular gift.  Important too, was the fact that they had the discipline to stick to it and get those hours under their respective belts. There is so much more to the book, but again, it is fascinating and makes one stop and take a look at our own lives to see where we succeeded or derailed.  I quote:

"The lives of outliers - people whose achievements fall outside normal experience - follow a peculiar and unexpected logic, and in uncovering that logic, Gladwell  presents a fascinating and provocative blueprint for making the most of human potential."

Check it out... you won't be disappointed!

Second chance

I've been negligent in writing here of late.  It's not because I don't want to, but rather as a result of having nothing particularly positive to comment on and who wants to always be focusing on the negative?  Somehow, it just seems like the positive, from a global perspective, is getting increasingly rare.  A friend from college just FB'd that her mom, daughter and sister are in New York to celebrate their birthdays only to be preceded by an earthquake and now fighting a hurricane.  Can you imagine NY shutting down? Me neither.  Freaky.

The winding down of summer is bringing with it much change. It almost feels like there is a collective shifting to an alternate track and that brings a certain amount of fear with the excitement.   It's all that unknown stuff that one is faced with.  I used to think that when you get to a certain age the unknowns are few and far between.  That, however, is completely wrong... there is no immunity to the winds of change.  I'm finding that out, big time as the shoes continue to fall around me. It would be easy, and somewhat justifiable to panic, yet panic only immobilizes you, makes you ineffective at dealing with the situation at hand.  Panic makes escape impossible.  I'm enough of a realist to know that we are not often in life given second chances; to start over and re-invent oneself is a gift.  I like to think we need to do that throughout our lives to prevent stagnation, but change is never easy when it's forced upon you. Yet that's what being an adult is all about... rolling with those forced changes and coming out the other side relatively unscathed.  Embracing that choice won't kill you, but it will change you.  And maybe that's a good thing.  So... panic??  Naw...

I'm not going to go there.

Not today.


Today I'm happy I'm still here and engaged in life.  I enjoy clean air, abundant food and fresh water that has never been denied me. I'm thankful for the beautiful country I live in and the freedom that comes with that.  I'm grateful for the amazing people in my life and the close relationships I enjoy.   And, most importantly, I am loved.

Anything else is filler. 

A moment of silence

It's hard to come here and talk about superficial things when there is so much hurt going on around you.  It's hard not to feel all that grief and still stay positive.  The last week has been one of multiple loss, and the pain is palpable.  The sudden, unexpected passing of Dan's friends, of a friends mother and of a political warrior all stacked one atop another weighs heavy.  Though we all will entertain death, there is something about  a death that comes too early or too suddenly that disturbs.

We all seem to have the expectation of living long, especially now in this age of advanced medicine and technology, yet no where is it promised to us.  At some level we all understand that, but when things go sideways and the potential for death looms near, we frantically cry out to God, making promises and wheeling deals in order to avoid our end.  Are we so afraid of death we'd sell our souls for another shot at life?  I dunno... I've often asked myself if I am afraid to die and I keep coming up with the same answer.  No. It's not the cessation of life that I fear, it's the pain and suffering that most often precedes it.  I fear separation from my friends and family, (though I'm confident I'll see them again) and the grief they will feel at my passing.  However what I fear the most is the idea that my life will not leave a mark, that I didn't live it in such a way that I won't leave a footprint to remember me by.  Does that sound incredibly self absorbed?  It does, doesn't it... I guess it's because I see how, as a society, we so quickly move from grief to daily living. Life moves too fast to stop and linger anymore. Gone are the days of wearing black while being in a state of mourning for a year.  We've lost that... we've lost the art of mourning.  There's something sad about that.

I hope to be more aware of how I honor those who've gone before.  I will mourn you Scott... Jack... Mrs. McConnell.  You will not be forgotten.


 

Scott

The body has been found; he's on his way home. 

We're going to miss your light and your beautiful voice, Scott. 

Rest now.

L'amour deux

Ah, yes... amour, amour. 

I discovered, once more, that I have a second batch of babies in our wee birdhouse, an unexpected surprise since it's so late in the summer.  In the years since we've lived here, I don't recall ever having two sets of birthings in one season like this.  I guess I should have been suspicious when upon looking out my kitchen window I caught a set of chickadees fornicating on the fence a while back.  It happened so fast there wasn't even time for a cigarette before he took off, leaving her to wonder if he'll ever call again.  Hmmph.  Typical.  I will give him some credit though... he's come back to help put food on the table, so I guess it's all good in the end.

The days are already getting shorter and it won't be long before our tardy summer will come to a close.  I was never good with that transition. I'd prefer it stay spring/ summer for the entire year except for 2 weeks around Christmas.  Then I want snow!  Funny how even with living in this beautiful area we're never satisfied.  Actually, if truth be told, I would vote for 4 seasons over 2... I just don't like extremes either way.

Lately it's been hard to concentrate on all the good stuff rather than focusing on the negative.  There is a general malaise that has blanketed much of the world (outside of La-la land where they continue to operate in an opulent otherworld) while everyone holds their breath waiting for the other shoe to fall.  And I get that.  There is a feeling of hopelessness for so many and that uncertainty wears on you.  I envy those who are perpetual optimists; I don't know how to do that as I'm too much of a realist. Still, I wish I had that gift to always see the good in it all. Something to strive towards I suppose.

So, on that note, keep looking up. :-)   I'll try do the same!

Agony and ecstasy

It always amazes me at how quickly emotions can swing from good to bad and how that switch affects people differently.  It's been a weekend of big highs and low lows in our arena of life which leaves me conflicted emotionally and spiritually.  As I previously wrote, Saturday proved to be very positive when spending 'girl time' with my BFF.  Sunday I wasn't so sure about.  We were slated to have lunch with Gord's bff, his brothers and dad.  I wasn't sure about how it would pan out as we've had a bit of a rocky relationship with Trev as he continued to struggle with his demons.  I wasn't real comfortable with him, but as his brothers and dad were all there, I felt it would be ok.  After all, this was Gord's 2nd family and I, too had fell in love with them over the years. It didn't hurt that we had lunch at Quail's gate winery with a gorgeous view of the lake and mountains.  Anyway, I came away feeling so encouraged by seeing and talking to Trev.  He is now employed at Green Bay Bible camp, doing maintenance, yardwork and security.  There he is housed, fed and paid.  This camp is right on the lake and close to where we live.  He absolutely loves working there, and the environment only serves to keep him from falling back to his addictions.  And better yet, they love his work and have now created a permanent year round position there for him. He looked better than I have ever seen him and it almost made me weep with joy.  This was our best man who not 4 years ago was living on the streets in Victoria.  There is not a doubt in my mind that this was a case of Divine intervention.  So, Sunday proved to be an even better day... until later that night.

I was checking in on FB before heading to bed and I saw Dan had a new status.  He was compelling us to pray for his friend who was lost on a hiking trip.  Just as I was replying to his request the phone rang and it was Dan... pretty shaken up.  He had just gotten the whole story: 3 of his friends from school here had gone hiking up around Kamloops when 2 of them (Dan and Scott) slipped and fell down a cliff into a running creek.  The third man (Joel) slid down the embankment and tried to rescue the others, but the water was raging and he only managed to get to one of them.  Unfortunately, his buddy Dan was already dead.  Scott had been washed downstream and has not yet been found.  Scott who had gone to school with my Dan, had performed along side him in various plays and who sang with in various musical venues.  Scott with the lovable face and beautiful bass voice has still not been found.  And we are devastated.  He is one of the good ones, ya know?  All those kids had formed such a strong bond and this is bringing them to their knees.  Daniel is finding it doubly hard being so far away.  As much as we hope he is still alive, the longer it takes to find him erodes that hope.   The earlier joy we felt on Sunday was reduced to grief and worry.  The agony quickly replacing the ecstasy.

And that's the way life works sometimes; fast and unfathomable.  We have to understand that it's possible at any given time and not take our daily existence for granted.  Love as much as you can.

Scott Lawler, you are just 21... we are waiting for you to sing once more.

BFF Char, (et al)

Aaaaaaaaaand, I'm back.

It's been one of those weeks that just hits you with a closed fist and sends you staggering back to your corner, which in turn, tends to put writing in second place to keeping yourself from imploding.  I know that sounds uber dramatic, but that's definitely how it felt.  Nevertheless, just when you think you're gonna have to pack 'er in, something happens to remind you that what you're experiencing is a valid hot mess, for sure, but it's not terminal. And that something is when your BFF comes along side you, puts her arm around you and holds on tight.  That happened to me this weekend, and it's a feeling like none other.

All too often in life we hunker down and bear our burdens in stoic silence, only to hear the voices in our own heads constantly juggle our thoughts, fears, options and analysis in hopes that we can come up with a tangible solution.  Most times it just makes it worse because you are always obsessing under the weight of it, never sure if what you're feeling is legitimate or if your perception is totally skewed because if that was the case, your conclusions and plans would also be skewed.  Which would then put you right back at square one.  It gets messy and it gets so heavy.

I went to my bff's home last evening where we shared a meal, a bottle of wine, and spoke late into the night.  Being we've known each other for 30 years and have gone through most of life's challenges together, we have that comfort that makes the whole process of sharing less threatening.  We instinctually know how we both use analysis and logic to work things out.  She asks the right questions for me to give her authentic answers and then we work the problem together... without judgement or disdain.  She 'has my back' and gives counsel accordingly.  And that is just what I needed.  To be given the ability to vent out all the toxic waste floating around ones psyche is in itself, a gift.  To be able to sift through it and help put it into proper prospective is a treasure.   She understands me, and even if we hardly ever see each other I always know that when the shit hits the fan, she will be there.   And visa-versa.  It's what real friends do for each other and I truly believe that women have an innate ability to form that kind of relationship.  Sometimes sisters or other family fill that role, sometimes you can forge that kind of friendship with a man, but it happens most often with other women folk.  We are wired for deep relationships, so we 'get' it.  We understand the intricate web of womanhood and the emotions that run through it.  We understand the fears and complex conflicts we women struggle with daily.  It's all about the 'relating' part of relationship.  It is golden, and yet we often undervalue those roles, putting them secondary to kids and husbands and jobs when in reality, when the kids disappoint us and our partnerships fracture and the job gets pulled out from under us, it is those very friendships that tend to keep us afloat.  Men often get kudos for their strength, but I think in many ways, women are stronger, especially women united, because they are often the ones that hold it all together when everything around them is falling apart.  And that takes strength.

I woke up today feeling hopeful and yes, feeling grateful, something I haven't felt in a long time.  I thank God and my bff for blessing me by being here when I needed it.

Oh, and the sun was shining.  Thanks for that, too!

Dog radar

O.K... time for another installment of 'crazy Puddy' tricks.  It's been a few months since I last brought you up to date on the joys of potty training and, thankfully, he's staying on the right flight path.  If we can make it through the cold/wet seasons without regressing, I'll know my work is done in that dept.  Now, it seems, Puddy has discovered the joys of T.V. and movies.  He is selective however, and won't pay it any mind if it's not in his genre.  And by genre, I'm talking anything with a dog, cat, horse, goat, or basically any animal that walks on 4 legs.  He can be laying on the bed in a dead sleep, but if he hears so much as a whine he snaps to attention and checks out the action.  The problem is, he doesn't get that it's not actually there in the room with us.  But does that matter? Naw.  He lets out a couple of 'woofs', jumps off the bed and makes a beeline to the TV in an attempt to intercept the said animal right through the screen.  When he senses that's futile (he can't quite reach the screen), he'll make a mad dash outside thinking maybe they got away on him.  It's hilarious to watch, but I kinda feel bad for the li'l guy... on any given night he could be on the chase multiple times (think of all those pet food commercials!). I just hope it doesn't drive him completely insane and decide to put his tongue in a socket or something!  He definitely likes them animals though... even if it isn't of the four legged variety, he will sit on the end of the bed and watch the birds or fish or insect intently.  Makes me wonder what's going on in that little wrinkled brain of his.  I've had a lot of dogs in my life, but I've never had one who zones in on the TV like that.  Oh, and I should tell you that he likes to look at himself in the mirror also... checkin' out the goods, I guess!

Ya, he may be a bit of a handful, but for the sloppy love and hours of entertainment he provides, he's definitely a keeper.

Kiva

If you ever felt like you want to help make a difference in peoples lives, check this out.  It will be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do!   I have been a Kiva lender for 2 years now and it is a wonderful organization to be a part of.  Please check it out:

http://kiva.org/invitedby/lenore7381


Thanks... you'll be glad you did!  :-)