Friday night insight

I'm sitting here listening to the smooth sounds of Whitney Houston (before she screwed up her life) and paying attention to the words she is singing.  The song is, of course, "I Will Always Love You", which is such a bittersweet tome.  It speaks of lost love; of love expired and the remnants it leaves behind.   I'm sure, if we really think about it, we can all relate to a certain degree.  I know I do.  I think that is why I especially like this song.

Years have passed; wounds have healed and I hurt no more.  Yet, there is a part of me that still holds on to loves lost.  As painful as they were at the time, they taught me so much about myself, about life, about what's really important.  At the time, I put my entire self worth into the relationship I was in... it defined me.  When it was over, I was but a hollow shell, convinced I was unworthy.  This kind of stuff messes with your head, and it took a long, long time for me to work through this.  But, time is the great healer, and eventually, I accepted I was worthy.  And life moved on...

Fast forward to the 21st century and I am middle aged with grown children and husband of many years.  Now, it's not so important to have someone else validate me; I've made it to a place where only I can validate myself.  And yet,  there is left a residue of self-doubt coating the nether regions of my psyche that makes me wonder why... why was I not enough?  This has caused me to question at the source.  Though countless years have passed, I've been able to ask that question and have been shocked and humbled by the response. In each case regrets were expressed; the 'what ifs' and 'if only's' peppering the conversations.  All that time spent wondering and beating myself up was washed away in a moment.  There was redemption.  And with redemption comes love... not like the first time, no; but a love that comes from carrying someone with you for most of your life.  There is an abiding respect for what you shared.  Each relationship created a new dimension in the clay being molded of your life.  I am stronger because of it.  This can't be bad.  This is life.

It's been a lovely epilogue, this discovery. I am so grateful to have been given this gift, and to have been able to retain a friendship after it's all said and done.

Life's to short.  Friends are hot commodities.