I Quit

I quit blogging.
You may have noticed.

I quit because I felt I had nothing more to say.
No witty dialogue on life's foibles; no great accomplishments or inspiring life lessons learned to be shared and pondered in wonderment.

Nothing.

I quit because I was ashamed that nothing felt worth talking about, that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't muster up any commentary that I felt was remotely interesting.  I bored even myself.  And then my world as I knew it shattered and I could not see outside of the dark hole I fell in, nor did I want to.  I could not bare to keep up the illusion of calm on a sea that was drowning me in its whirlpools.  There was no consolation... no 'happy place' to go and I knew that if I started to write it all down, if I opened those floodgates and purged all inside, I may never stop and then what would you see?  A broken, bitter shell of negativity and despair.

And I couldn't do it.  I couldn't to it because regardless of what I was going through, or how useless I felt, I had just enough ego left in me to not want that to show.  I feared, as I have always feared, how I would be perceived. Will people still like me?... will I still have any friends?... will my family disown me?... will I be a disgrace?  Will I be of any value and worthy of love?  Somehow, it was just easier to hide away and lick my wounds.  And that worked... for awhile.

The reality is there really is no escape (outside of death) to the sometimes cold, hard realities of life.  There are those people who never seem to struggle, but that is not the path God has chosen for me.  I keep wondering 'why', constantly searching for a reason behind it all, always worried I've missed my point in life, grieving all those missed opportunities and replaying the 'what if' scenarios stockpiled in my brain.  Somehow, I've never felt good enough just being me.

My parents encouraged me to be a secretary when I was young. Nothing more. I always felt rather insulted by that (nothing against secretaries!), because I really wanted them to believe I could be more... do more with my life.

I've been told I'm over-sensitive, over-dramatic and hyper-critical. Yup; they're probably right.

Now, I'm just tired. 
Of everything.