If you looked up the word 'maudlin' in the dictionary, it would tell you it means, among other things, '...tearfully sentimental'. A perfect word for today as it is, once again, Mother's day. It happens every year in one way or another as it takes on different configurations. As happens when you starts to age, ones emotions are often hyper sensitive, and you are quicker to 'feel' which makes you quicker to react. It just seems that our emotions are much closer to the surface which is why I can cry at a dog food commercial 'cause the dog is so sweet and loyal and well fed. I cry whenever a love story comes on, or at a wedding, or when a dramatic scene plays out, but mostly, I cry any time and every time I see someone else cry. It's like someone pushed my auto switch on the boo hoo train. It's getting rather ridiculous, even by my standards. Maybe it's because the world always seems to be on a perpetual downer... or maybe we're just too tired to try and conceal all that emotion that bubbles to the surface. I dunno. I do know that on this day, I cry, and I do so unabashadly.
My mom passed away from ovarian cancer 25 years ago this month. I cry that she left us so early... way before I got to ask her stuff on child rearing and jam making and how to crochet a doily and how to pick ones fights, and things about my childhood, etc. I miss that we never had that opportunity when I needed it most. I cry that she never got to meet my boys, and how excited she would have been to hear Dan sing, or watch Simon earn his black belt. Those are things that us moms need to see and hear... validation that we've done o.k. and that our parents are proud. I cry at the realization I could have, and should have been a better daughter to her. She deserved so much better from me.
I now watch my own sons grow into strong, independent young men which translates into the fact that they are slowly, but ultimately needing me less and less, and for that I cry. Somehow, it feels so final; like one minute you have to do everything for them and the next they don't need you for anything. Your job is done... time to move on. What they don't tell you is that position you've held for 20 years is so burned in your brain that you don't have a clue as to what you are supposed to do from here on. There needs to be a course specifically designed to redirect and transition newly empty nesters into productive, creative, and invaluable contributors to the rest of the human race. There is a measure of fear that goes along with the knowledge that you've kind of got to start over from scratch, and if that scares you, can make you cry.
So, you see how this day holds so much crazy emotion for someone like me. I used to try and fight it, but now I just embrace the crazy and let 'er flow. Cleans out the dust balls in one's brain!
PS: I was just presented with carnations, a movie pass, and a very beautiful and sentimental card from Dan... and now I cry.... go figure.
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